Day 53 : Pull it together!

Day fifty three! Fifty three!? How is this possible?

It has been so long since I have written. I've been sucked into the time warp!

So much has happened. Successful sourdough! Backyard Ninja Warrior obstacle course. Meltdowns (me!), including an emergency "so I don't kill anybody" walk around town. Husband sick with all the Covid symptoms, and another surprising negative test. Youngest daughter E coming down with 104 fever 5 days ago, and still had a fever tonight (calling doctor again tomorrow, 5 days with a high fever now...).

HUGE milestone at my local supermarket this week: They had small vials of hand sanitizer for sale, AND they had toilet paper!!! It was some off brand I had never heard of, but WOW. I felt like I had won the lottery. I haven't seen toilet paper there since February.

Several things have combined to keep me from writing. One, everyone around me being sick, and needing to care for them. But mostly, it is the screen time. Now, I'm teaching live classes everyday from 12pm-3pm. Plus I'm on the screen to get all my prep work, grading, and emails done. Then the kids have all their work (1-3 zooms daily), and I'm also binging Buffy the Vampire Slayer (perhaps the ultimate escapist pandemic watch, I highly recommend!). But between all of that, and the general sense of exhaustion and being constantly overwhelmed, the thought of sitting down back at a computer to write is repulsive. 

But tonight I have the energy, or will, and I still feel a pull to just write things down, to record our general goings on in the crazy time.

In the wider world: NY has flattened, perhaps even past its peak. Conspiracy Theories called "Plandemic" have emerged, insisting this is all a secret plan. Right wingers are taking to the streets (with big guns, in many cases), to protest the stay at home orders. Amid all this pressure to reopen the economy, many states are easing restrictions even while cases are still rising. People's stupidity is shocking and overwhelming and infuriating. The Orange Nightmare is insisting that the virus came from a lab in Wuhan, despite intelligence reports that insist this is lie.  

In Vermont: Cases has flattened, and we've seen a few days with no new cases, and a few days with only a few new cases! The governor is now allowing groups of up to 10 people to socialize, as long as we use common sense and continue to distance. Masks are now required pretty much everywhere. Our rec fields are back open, but play grounds still closed. I heard a rumor that the governor may end the school year early! (Say a prayer!)

Personally: Almost had a house fire today! Our effing toaster went haywire, and burned a piece of toast to charcoal, filling the downstairs with smoke. Scary ordeal, but luckily everything was contained to the toaster. New toaster purchased at local hardware store. (We are trying really hard to avoid amazon right now, not always 100% successful, but trying!)

Homeschooling sucks. We are slowly giving up. We try to do something everyday, but honestly, it is so hard. Evidence here. 

I am feeling better. Last week I felt overwhelmed, irritable, and like I might be going insane. I was weepy, anxious, and angry at everyone and everything. Today I realized that what I might be going through is something akin to a grieving process. I am grieving the loss of "normal", of routines and my job and time to myself and how things used to be. Once I realized that and allowed myself to move through that process of grief, I feel better about just letting go and embracing what it is here. Opening to new opportunities, to new possibilities, to making the best of what now is. To not crumble at the first sign of adversity, but rising to this challenge and, despite all the fear, making it work.   

Pulling it together and making it work.  It's OK to cry along the way! Keeping saying "I am enough, I am enough, I am enough". Repeat a million times.