Day 142
I'm wondering about even numbering the days anymore...142 days since school shut down, we sheltered in place, and my world stopped. But slowly life has opened back up, and in a few weeks we will head back to school in a hybrid model. Maybe I'll find a new ways to count the days once school starts again?
Anyway, "The Hard Days". We've all had them. It is hard to really comprehend the enormity of what we are living through. But when I'm stressed, and anxious, and ready to scream at the kids, and just when I'm at the brink of exhaustion and anxiety and I'm reeling with uncertainty... I think of my Grandma Millie.
Alfred and Millie before World War 2:
It was March of 1945. My Grandmother Millie lived in a small apartment, in Attleboro Massachusetts. Her husband, my Grandpa Alfred, had just been deployed in the Pacific. She had two small children, a 1 year old and a 3 year old. She was pregnant with her third child, who would be born in July.
She was alone, pregnant, with 2 children.
It was a cold spring. Her only source of heat was a tiny coal stove in their 2nd floor apartment. Even with her waxing belly, several times a day she would descend the the three flights of stairs down to the basement with her coal bucket, and then march back up again to feed the stove and keep the apartment warm.
A photo of the tenement house where she lived:
This week, I needed groceries. I got on the internet, did all of my shopping online. The next morning, I got my 3 kids buckled in their car seats, and drove (through the rain) to Hannaford. I picked up my "to go" order, and drove home. On other days, I'll just wait until my husband gets home, and then make a quick trip without the kids. I have enough money to buy what I need (and I know there are many who don't right now), and other than maybe toilet paper and bread yeast, we aren't facing any major shortages.
While she didn't have to live with the fear of picking up a pandemic virus at the grocery store, she had none of those options. She didn't have a car. I'm sure she worried about having enough money to feed herself and the kids. Pregnancy cravings? Oh well. Did she have rations stamps? She most certainly lived with food shortages during that time. With her pregnant belly and her 2 kids, she had to walk to get what she needed, and carried her provisions home with her. In the winter, in the cold. In the spring, in the rain. And most of the summer.
In addition, she didn't really have any family around her to help. Her mother-in-law lived nearby, but they were not on good terms. Her husband's family was French Canadian, Catholic. She was English, Protestant. The marriage wasn't exactly approved of by the families. When she asked her mother-in-law for help, the reply was, "You're the one who wanted to have all those children! You take care of them yourself!"
On the days when I feel overwhelmed, I imagine her walking with her children through the snow just to get some milk, (or maybe her milk was delivered back then? OK, to get flour or sugar then...) or doing her 3 flights of stairs with her little coal bucket to keep warm. Caring for two kids in a small apartment, trying to keep it together. I think of the families out there today who are in very similar situations...single parents, on their own, struggling for survival amidst all this upheaval.
I also picture here sitting anxiously at her kitchen table, checking the mail, waiting for news from her husband.
Alfred Lapierre, approx 1944/1945
Today, we live with so much uncertainty. Will schools open? Will there be outbreaks? Will there be a vaccine? Will we ever get back to normal? Will we be OK? Will someone we know die? Will I die? Will someone we know who is already sick get better or worse? How can I do my job with kids at home and teach them too? What if my kids fall behind? Am I safe at work? Are kids safe at school? It is hard. Overwhelming. Unbearable at times.
And then I think of Millie, sitting at her table, living with all of her uncertainties: Would she see her husband again? Where was he? Was he safe? If he does come home, when will he come home? Will my baby be born safe(and all the pregnancy anxieties!)? When will he meet the baby? Will I have to raise 3 kids by myself? Will I have enough money? Can I get sugar this week? When will the war end? Who else do I know that will die? And I'm sure a million other things I can't even begin to understand.
While Alfred was still away in Manila, she would give birth on July 4th, 1945. She had a kid surrounded by all of this. Her sister was able to come help from June to August, But later that fall, now on her own with 3 kids at home, they would all get whooping cough (Millie included). Everyone was coughing and vomiting. She had to wash the sheets by the hand, and the children slept on tablecloths while the sheets were hung to dry. She survived all that without even a washing machine?
And by bringing her to life in my mind, I don't mean to diminish our own hardships by saying that someone else once had it harder. (I've made this mistake with my students..."You think your life is hard?! Look at these kids in this other part of the world!!", but it isn't right to diminish the many, real hardships kids in this part of the world face. I don't mean to say that what we are going through now isn't unbearable).
But it DOES make me feel like I can do this. When I think I can't anymore, I think of her. I feel a connection to her. If she could get through that terrible time, then I can get through this one. I feel a new confidence, and a new strength as I feel connected to her. I see her crying alone in bed at night, afraid, but getting up the next morning and going on with life because, well, she had to.
And so do we. But I feel a little less miserable and helpless when I connect to my inner Grandma Millie. I can do this. I can do this.
What keeps you going on the hard days?
Alfred would return, by the way, in January of 1946. They left the Christmas tree up for his homecoming. He met his baby daughter for the first time when she was 6 months old. Here is a photo of the three of them, I am guessing sometime in the spring of 1946:
Alfred and Millie on their 50th Wedding Anniversary:
And my Grandmother Millie shortly before her death, holding my youngest child, one of her 19 great grandchildren, of whom she was fiercely proud and loved so much:
Tuesday, August 8th 2020
US Cases: 4,649,102
VT Cases: 1,431
PS: One interesting listen that also gave me a little more perspective on what we are really going through:
Dispatches from 1918: https://www.wnycstudios.org/podcasts/radiolab/articles/dispatches-1918
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