Day 156: BACK TO SCHOOL! (AKA Last day of quarantine? For now?)

 Back to Work

Today is my last day at home, at least for now. Tomorrow, I will drive back to the high school, march up to my classroom that I have not set foot in since March 18th, and get to work. Or, march up to my classroom and be totally immobilized by anxiety and overwhelmed by the enormity of it all. Or have a panic attack? Or maybe all of those things. The thing is, I don't know what is going to happen.

It is a strange feeling, suddenly having your chosen profession thrust into the national spotlight. A job I've been quietly doing for 15 years is suddenly at the center of our national story. And everyone has an opinion. There are a lot of hot takes out there, from a lot of angles (from the virus angle about why schools really  need better ventilation, or what community transmission rate makes it safe to open, to the education angle about how schools have been increasingly left to solve all of society's problems while remaining underfunded and underpaid, and how unfair it is to saddle teachers with solving all of the economic crisis right now).

And everyone I know is asking me and my colleagues, "How are you? What do you think about all of this?". I want to give my hot take, I want a good elevator pitch about what the right course of action really is.

But the truth is, most of time I'm too much of an exhausted, anxious mess to give a coherent answer. My words often come out garbled, and my thoughts seem to change from day to day.  

What do I think?

I think our new reality is still emerging. I think there is so much we just don't know. I think we are in a lose-lose-lose situation. I can't think of a back to school scenario that I am actually happy with, that might actually be good for our students and keep everyone safe. 

I think, like many teachers, and feel scared and overwhelmed by it all. Like many, I feel the call to serve my community and the duty to rise to this challenge, and I also see the danger of making teachers out to be martyrs. This spring we were heroes, and now we are told to stop whining and just get in there and do our jobs. To sacrifice ourselves for the greater good, for the economy, for the parents who need to work, for the mental health of our students. We are urged to be part of this high-risk, national experiment.

And this is where the never ending thought circle begins. Because I see the need for opening schools, I really do. I've been without any childcare for my 3 children since March 16th. We've been home, at home, on lock down, navigating the new normal. It has been exhausting and difficult, and trying to teach from home while home schooling my own kids this spring was one of the hardest things I've done. I want them back in school so I can do my job. But, here we go down the other side...is it safe? Are they in danger? Am I putting their teachers in danger? Am I safe? What happens when I get sick? Is this really going to work? How many sick days will I need to take every time my kids have a runny nose, fever, or cough?  What about our substitute teacher shortage? What about all the faculty and staff who can't return because of they are at risk? Can we really do in person school, even in a low transmission area like Vermont, without a vaccine? What about the nearby colleges and universities bringing kids in from all over the country? Are we putting all this time and energy into in-person schooling, only to end up going fully remote again in a few weeks? A few months?

I think, at the heart of it all, is a deep uncertainty and a total lack of control. What will happen when we open school? It is so unpredictable, and there seem to be so many factors at play, that we just don't know.

When the uncertainty is crushing, and the risks are literally life and death, I feel immobilized. I do also feel a determination to be there for my students (and great joy at the thought of seeing them again!), but I always feel the need to add this as a caveat, lest I be cast as a whiny, selfish teacher. I think we all need to ask ourselves: are the expectations we have of our teachers, before this crisis as well as during, fair to begin with?

My school's model

So, I'll be returning to a hybrid model. I will see half of my students on Monday and Tuesday, the other half on Thursday and Friday, and Wednesday the school building is closed for cleaning and will serve as a planning day for teachers. We are also offering an online only option for any student/family that wants it. 

Everyone says, "So you'll be doing double duty?" but I want to point out that it is actually more like triple. Every teacher will be managing three different cohorts of students: 

Cohort 1- In person Monday/Tuesday, provide distance learning Wednesday to Friday

Cohort 2- Distance learning Monday to Wednesday, in person Thursday/Friday

Cohort 3-Distance learning 5 days a week

And, yes, there will be lots of overlap between the 3 cohorts, it is just going to be a lot to manage and keep track of and plan for. Just writing it all down makes me feel overwhelmed. But, another caveat, I am extremely proud of all the hard work my district did over the summer to make this model a reality. I am so grateful that we aren't starting with 5 days a week in person, and also so grateful (I think!) that we aren't starting totally remote. There are a lot of reasons why seeing students in person, even in a hybrid model, poses a lot of challenges (some stated above, especially thinking of my at risk colleagues who are being ordered back to work!), but here in VT we may be in the best situation in the country to at least try it out. 

For my own kids, this means that my own school age kids will be in school Monday and Tuesday, and home Wednesday to Friday (my preschooler will be in preschool 5 days a week, as long as she never has a runny nose or fever or cough...oh wait she has those all winter...hmm....). What will they be doing Wednesday to Friday while I am at work? Or the days they need to stay home sick? TBD. More uncertainty. Still problem solving that one. My district is offering subsidized child care from 7:30-3:30 (with a paid option to go longer), and my kids own elementary school (different district than where I work) is offering a paid option from 7:30-5:30 on Thursdays and Fridays. We've also looked into hiring someone (a recent high school grad? We are hoping?) to watch the kids in our home, which could continue in the event that we go fully remote. The fully remote option, while it feels safer, also terrifies me...being back in the situation of homeschooling while working full time is daunting...and this time having some hired help around, while expensive, may save my sanity. 

Last day of "summer"!

So, what will I do with my last day of summer? Mostly, I'll be in that immobilized, overwhelmed pattern I mentioned earlier, trying to cope with the idea of going back to school in a pandemic. I'll be trying to finish my books, especially the one about leading conversations about race in the classroom, so I can return to the library for the next teacher.

I'll also be emailing anyone I can think of about babysitting, childcare, or nannying...and filling out pages and pages of preschool registration for my youngest child. 

I haven't even started panicking about my actual curriculum yet...that is usually where my brain is at right before back to school. Typically, I'm already working on my first unit, stressing about materials, assessments, etc...but this year I'm too focused on HEPA filters and masks and, quite literally, survival, to think about much else. That stress will come I suppose, once I'm back at my desk and preparing for the students' arrival. 

I'll also try to soak up one more day with my kiddos...as hard has this has been, we've also had so much fun and spent so much time together. This is going to be a big transition for our family...and I am going to miss them! I mean, the thought of being at my desk and writing an entire email without "Mom! Mom!" going on in the background is a little dreamy, but I will miss hugging them all day long. 

Check in on your teachers friends, be safe, be kind out there. Wish us luck.

Tuesday, August 17th

Worldwide: 21.8 Million

US Cases: 5.44 Million

VT Cases: 1,527